‘My Man and his Nuts’

My hubby is easygoing…until you jack with his nuts!  

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Some people say he’s the most patient man they know because he lives with me. I’ve always told him he’s like an old soul, a true and gentle spirit.
However, as of late I’ve seen a different side of him. He has lots of charm and a laid-back persona until you start jacking with his nuts…


I mean, we’ve been on a healthier-eating kick since passing the half-a-century mark in our lives. We’ve begun taking little steps to improve our quality of life and living.
A huge step for him was giving up cokes, chips, dairy and gluten. I must admit that since giving up these items, he has felt much better.
Nonetheless, I worry.
You see, I’ve come to dread the nut aisle in the grocery store. It is the one place where we seem to spend an extreme amount of wasted time. Of course, my husband would argue with me about the word “wasted.”
When we go to the store and he tells me that he’s going to find some nuts, I can’t help but cringe and giggle at the same time. I mean, this is my man telling me that he needs nuts.
What man says that to his wife?
I can walk every aisle and just about read a book from cover to cover only to go back and find him pondering, reading, sighing and bitching among the nuts.
He gave up unhealthy daily helpings of chips and replaced them with nut grazing. Not just any nuts will do; he’s not a fan of almonds. Actually, I think he has a genuine hatred of them. He claims they taste like tree bark. Regardless of the overwhelming health benefits of nuts, he will never be convinced that almonds should be included in his stash. I’m not even sure he considers them a nut…if so, they are not “his” nuts.
While he is eating better and hopefully on the road to better health, I worry about the stress these obsessive nut hunts put him through. I mean, what good is it to raise your blood pressure and get extremely stressed out…over a nut?
“They waste a good bag of nuts by filling up valuable space with almonds,” he gripes. “It’s just not right!”
These rants are the equivalent of a “hissy fit,” but I’m thinking that I need a more masculine name for it. I’ll just have to think about that a bit longer. However, there’s nothing masculine about fussing over nuts. It gets me every time. I can’t help but laugh.

Lorenz: Why can’t I just buy regular nuts anymore?
Me: You can…look, there’s plenty to choose from.
Lorenz: You know what I mean. Without almonds!
Me: Right here…there’re cashews, peanuts, pecans, walnuts, brazil nuts, all in their own little bags.
Lorenz: No! Why can’t mixed nuts not have almonds in them? Why do they put almonds in everything?
Me: Ummm…because they’re mixed nuts, and almonds fall under that category.
Lorenz: Grrrrr…

Recently, while one of our nut discussions was in full swing, I noticed two women standing down the aisle from us. They were witnessing a full nut meltdown. I watched as they snickered and tried not to be obvious. Even so, I couldn’t blame them. It was hilarious. They lingered even longer and listened, because that’s what women do.
I could just imagine them going home and telling their husbands.

Me: Lorenz, just grab some nuts!
Lorenz: I’m gonna find some nuts, alright! This is ridiculous!

I guess, truth be told, he asks for very little in life and there’s not much that ruffles his feathers…other than these nuts. Perhaps I just need to write an open letter to Planters Nuts and let them know that although I appreciate all the health benefits of their delicious nuts, I am a bit worried about my husband’s own health. I mean, just stop jacking with his nuts…is that really too much to ask?

3 thoughts on “‘My Man and his Nuts’

  1. OK- I agree with Lorenz. They are fragile and some say come in many forms. Please, let me be clear on this subject:
    I do not want my nuts in a can ( that requires surgery)… I do not want my nuts in a plastic bag hanging near the grocery store checkouts… ( plastic is just funky- yes, perhaps it can be fun at times, but just funky)… I particularly don’t want them in a dispenser that someone puts a damn quarter in ( God only knows where those nuts come from!) Moral of the story here; Call me old fashion, I want my nuts in a sack… PERIOD! end of conversation… lol… 🙂

    Like

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